Brian Dennis Tilley

To Rise or Fall

By Annette Tidball

No one can possibly know or understand the feelings that go hand in hand when someone dies unexpectedly. The feelings of loss, complete loss, when your foundation is crumbling all around you, unless you have gone through it yourself. That was me, and my four little girls not so long ago.

You may feel immense pride in honouring your loved one, and a painfully deep hole in your heart simultaneously. The shock you feel is unwelcomingly overwhelming. How do you move on from here?

With faith, one step at a time. Each tiny movement forward is still in the right direction. For me, I had to push on for my little girls. There were days I didn’t want to. I wanted to be with my husband Brian in every possible way. But then there were my girls. So sweet and innocent, so unaware of what really happened and why Daddy would not be coming home. I did it for them, I did it for me and I did it for Brian. I couldn’t bear the thought of him not being proud of me.

I could feel him close, watching me, looking over me and our girls. I knew he knew what we were facing and what lay ahead for us. I felt strengthened knowing this. I felt alone. My bed was cold...but, I was not alone The future was before me. Would I choose to be a little stronger everyday believing in a life that was yet worth living? Or would I choose to hide in the darkness? Each day proved to be a higher mountain to climb than the last. Yes. I grieved. Yes, I still do at times. Looking back I can say that there were more successful days than not. I tipped the scales, just ever so slightly, and as I did, I found I could smile once more, and then laugh. Moments snuggling my girls were even more precious.

And then there were the stories. First the stories consisted of my bragging about what a remarkable man Brian was as friends and family came by with fragrant flowers and sweet condolences. Then, there were more stories. Me making sure my children would always remember who their daddy was. This was essential to me. They must know this piece of who they are. So, the stories continued and do to this day. Stories each time we celebrate Brian’s birthday with his favorite dessert, (cheesecake!) Stories at Christmas, stories about bike riding, picture taking, and the precious family home videos that show the story I try desperately to tell. We are still connected.

We are not living in the past, but honoring it. We recognize that life will never be the same with him gone. However, I didn’t want to live the next 40-50 years of my life in a useless negative state. In time I knew if I had to live a life without him, I had better live a good one, one that when Brian and I met at the end of my life, I could look at him and say, “ I did it! I was brave with you gone! I moved forward in faith! I remarried a wonderful man who kept your memory alive! Together we raised our children and I did my very best!” And then I would see his wonderful, approving, smile again

 So, that’s what we do. We move forward. How do you move forward? Every person’s journey is different, but essentially the same. There are two choices: move forward and up, or backwards and down. There is never any standing still. I believe our loved one is counting on us to move forward and up. I believe they want to see us living happy, productive lives. I believe this challenge that we face when we lose the ones we love, is our personal journey, our opportunity to become a stronger more resilient person, the person we always could be but never knew we could be!

For me, now it is time to help others. See? That’s what you do. You rise up and become stronger and more resilient. When you see someone on that same path, because your foundation is firm and grounded once more, you are able to lift them and guide them. You show them how to also rise up and move forward.

I believe in you!

Annette Tidball (Brian Tilley’s widow, wildfire plane crash July 31, 2010)

Author of Fly Again.

www.annettetidball.com